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Uranus

A friend and colleague who is a PhD psychologist and astrologist sent me a 25 page profile of my personality based on the exact minute of my birth.

Your Ascendant is in Opposition of your Uranus (that’s what she said):

You are an original personality and you delight in your uniqueness and individuality. The right to be able to do as you please is central to your being, however you may not be able to exercise this without flustering and confusing others. You are a non-conformist and, in all likelihood, ahead of your time. To some people, you are an exciting person to be around, to others you are just too different for them to understand. Take care not to come across as too eccentric or weird, because you may isolate yourself socially. You are intrinsically restless and will have many changes of environment throughout the course of your life.

Life’s not worth a damn ’til you can say,

CRAP-MAN

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The Benefits of Confusing Techno

I like it when people can take CRAP to the next level by playing it on an accordion.

I thought this CRAP was the song in the opening of the movie “Blade”, starring the now federally incarcerated Wesley Snipes. First on the scene is Tracey Lords, who, BTW,  starred in one of my all time favs, “Ladies in Lace”…so much talent…so much… BUT I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, she leads an unsuspecting, and unworthy, male suitor into a secretive techno-rave club, with some very aggressive touchy-feely dancing going down. Our victim then starts getting the feeling that something is not quite right. “Why is Tracey Lords interested in me?” “Is it my baller hat?” “Maybe my winning smile…I do brush three times a day.” Then a blood sprinkler system goes off and SURPRISE, it wasn’t the hat. However, just as he was wrong about Tracey’s feigned interest in his headgear, I was wrong about the song. That CRAP song is aptly and INGENIOUSLY called “Blood Bath”.

HOWEVER! there is a benefit to CRAP-MAN’s confusion.  It got me thinking of this gem from Opie & Anthony, featuring the late, great Patrice O’neal:

“I’da waited till the statute of limitations was up…”

CRAP-MAN

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Legumes: the magical fruit

Today’s CRAP goes out to all the women in our lives. Last night we were out with friends and my wife leaned over to me and asked if she was pronouncing “legumes” properly…which she was. But it was the way she said it, “Leguuumes.” Hearing it that way, whispered softly in my ear…such a magical word.  

Soon after, I was greeted with my second sensual surprise of the evening; if I would wash my hands and brush my teeth when we got home, it would be socks-only in the bedroom. Oh JEZUS!

I’m a simple man.

In other news, this also goes out to Blair Bear’s wife, Zins, who just endured 27 grueling hours of labour pushing out the Prince Cub, and effectively turning my good amigo into a Papa Bear. Good work you guys, and can’t wait to meet Prince Charles.

Here’s to all the LADIES! in our lives:

When you’re with me I’m smiling,

CRAP-MAN

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So Wright you can’t go wrong

It was brought to my attention yesterday that Steven Wright hade won an Academy Award for his short film, “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings”

Comic genius!

It reminded me of this song my Mom used to sing to me when I was a little kid.

I wish you all a great weekend and hope you can find all the CRAP you need for the fast approaching holidays.

You laughed, you laughed, you laughed, and then you left,

CRAP-MAN

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DOUBLE THE BERRIES!!

I’ve already listened to this about 4 times, and it’s still cracking me up:

 

Holds on, holds on,

CRAP-MAN

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1994

Found the old year book the other day.  Man, what a trip.

Baby Rishard:
“I don’t know where’s we going, but we’re headed in the right direction.”
– Buckweat

Marco Stevie Come Inside:
“The Ewok ate it”
– Unknown

Mikey Fu:
“I’ve had my FUN. I think it’s time to wake up and actually accomplish something.”
– Mikey Fu

Bone:
“No News is Good Ganooz without Gary Ganooz.”
– Gary Ganooz

Corrance:
“Are you Experienced?”
– Jimi Hendrix

Killa:
“Music Sweet Music I wish to caress. Manic depression a frustrating mess.”
– Jimi Hendrix

So Fresh So Clean:
“Oh the fun to have – to live the dreams we’ve always had.”
-Zeppelin “Achilles Last Stand”

Mayday:
“They can’t catch us…we’re on a mission from God.”
– Jack and Elwood Blues

Phoebe:
“Sometimes we live in no particular way but our own.”
– Grateful Dead

Stick that Knocks the Nuts off Trees:
“It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it!”
– Jack and Elwood Blues

Maura:
“Unerstand that happiness is not based on possession Power or Prestige but on relationships with people you love and respect.”
– H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Weasel:
“Why is a mouse when it spins?”
– Unknown

EP:
“The only important thing in life is to see to it you are not beaten.”
– Unknown

Joe Joe Morales:
“Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away? Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name…”
– Cheers Theme

Slandwiches:
“That’s the news and I’m out of here.”
– Denis Miller

Gamboozal:
“And if you feel that you can’t go on. And your will’s sinkin’ low
Just believe and you can’t go wrong. In the light you will find the road. You will find the road.”
– Zeppelin “In the Light”

Zeus:
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”
– Bluto Blutarsky

 

Some will win, some will lose…some were born to sing the blues,

CRAP-MAN

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Worthless sac of CRAP

Today’s CRAP goes out to my butt hackin’ brother Gamboozalini.  Seems they’re taking out his appendix.
After I heard this I was like, “What would you say…you do here, appendix?”

Apparently nothing:

1 . Anatomy a tube-shaped sac attached to and opening into the lower end of the large intestine in humans and some other mammals.
In humans the appendix is small and has no known function, but in rabbits, hares, and some other herbivores it is involved in the digestion of cellulose.

So, no sweat my man.  It’ll leave more room for sleeves of Chips Ahoy!

To help your recovery, I’m gonna buy you a Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED TV

$40Gs may seem a bit steep, but the comments have convinced me it’s well worth it. One stark advocate wrote that if you watch Chuck Norris on this TV, it could cure cancer and get your pit-bull pregnant simultaneously.  Vivian Banks was also quite persuasive.

Get well soon so we can ring in 2014 together.

Smell you later,

CRAP-MAN

CRAP-MAN Fun Fact: DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince’s “He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper” (1988) was the first cassette I ever owned; bought for me by Heather Doc. It is now in the possession of Baby Rishard – received as his payment for helping Yoey and I move and sort through all my CRAP before shipping to Germany.

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