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Missing CRAP

Woke up this fine morn, and my breath smelt/tasted like a geriatric fart passed through an onion. It sparked a eureka moment: CRAP!

I know it’s been a little over a year since our last CRAP inspiration – celebrated by the rousing theme song from Superman, but I’d like to see if I can try to kick-start this love affair again.

In the spirit of re-birth, I send today’s CRAP out to the Blair Bear, who’s got a little cub on the way this month.

Back in 2006, the heydays of CRAP, Mr. Bear voted this, “The worst CRAP of all time.” Well, I’ve decided to step it up for ya, Phoebe!  I’m a glass-half-full kinda guy and I believe it could always be worse.

I find today’s CRAP quite apropos for all the CRAP fans out there who have felt neglected; secretly longing for some CRAP-MAN love that was once so prevalent in their lives. You remember? CRAP: so hot and steamy at its onset, yet destined to maybe just dry up and blow away in the wind. Where has the time gone…and what has happened to us?

Let’s try again, and after that sweet, sweet lovin’, late at night…yeah, you know, when it’s good for you babe and you’re feeling alright…will you just roll over…and turn out the light?

Learning to laugh again,

CRAP-MAN

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LOOK! It’s a turd, it’s a stain…NO! It’s CRAP-MAN!

Sunday morning, the quasi-family and I were eating breakfast and listening to German radio.  I was thinking about the good ol’ days of CRAP.  Then…out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, they played this CRAP. I got goose bumps.
So, I thought I would share:

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Freedom?

So I got an email yesterday from a friend in NYC telling me how there is some new “Spy-ware” out that blocks people from reading blogs while at work. Another friend of mine is already not allowed to view any type of video content while at work. When I worked for the MAN we had “WebSense” to keep us in check. One guy I know can’t even receive emails with swear words in them, which, I might add, is easily subverted by using a$$ or $hit or Oi812. Oh shit, now the secret is out and Big Brother can put an end to this deviance as well…

WTF!?!

Apparently, all these changes are being made under the false flag impression it increases worker productivity (probably), and of course it increases your “security”. It also helps that you are exposed to as little uncensored, or dissident, information as possible during 8 hours of your day.

I guess a three month interview process, a M.S. from a notable University and being over 30 years old is not enough piece of mind that you will put in a solid day’s work. You still haven’t reached that level of disciplined maturity. Well…now that I hear myself writing this…maybe they are right.

However, I will gladly remain a savage in this brave new world order.

“But I don’t want comfort… I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.”

– said by the Savage in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, Ch. 17

Anyway, to conclude this mindless dribble that is distracting you from your work, many a young man has liberally emancipated himself to today’s CRAP.

It’s the one good thing that I’ve got,

CRAP-MAN

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Got Testosterone?

I love my life. I went climbing all weekend in the fresh Spring air. Had some really good conquests on some rather tough routes.

The guy I go climbing with is a Buddhist monk who studied for 2 years in Nepal, whilst living in a cave. He said he learned a lot, but didn’t feel it was necessary to live in a cave for two years. I’ll take his word for it.

He’s a rather unique individual; especially rare amongst zhe Germans. He also happens to be my martial arts instructor, having trained in the art of Pekiti-Tersia Kali, Zen meditation and QiGong for over 25 years. It’s a sick coupling of Zen tranquility and the ability to tear your still beating heart out and show it to you. Now that I think of it, he kinda looks like the KALIMA guy from “Temple of Doom”:

Qigong Lehrer und Ausbilder Helmut Bauer

Anyway, I have been training on and off with him since 2003. Kali was a rather unknown MMA style but has gained some recent notice after its use in “Hunted“, with Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro. Then by the leading movie-bad-ass: Jason Borne. It was even recently spotlighted on the Discovery Channel.

So what is the point of today’s CB-Blog? Well, besides building a point-of-reference for any of my daughter’s future wanna-be boyfriends, it serves as a great lead-in to this incredible CRAP song. Enjoy your Monday:

Finish him,

CRAP-MAN

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Bim Bum Spring has Sprung

At the end of Autumn, while playing in our favorite park – aptly appointed Bim Bum Park because of the church bells that ring, “bim bum” – my lovely little daughter handed me an acorn and said, “For you Papa.”

See it? There in her right hand. She’ holding it like her Daddy holds a curve ball.

 

peanut-with-an-acorn.jpg

I thanked her and put it in my pocket. I found it a few days later and decided to bury it in a small flower pot I had.

Today, Easter morning 2008, five months later, I walked into my living room to find our little acorn has burst through the soil and on to the scene.

See it? That little green sprout in the middle.

sprout.jpg

Tank you Easter Bunny.

I was very excited about this, and after doing the Balki Bartokomous dance of joy, I decided to ring in the spring with a Tears for Fears dedication week.

DJ’s the man we love the most,

CRAP-MAN

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Live and Living

Captain Sam has notified me of his plans to sail across the Atlantic sometime within the next few years. This was a college dream of ours and he has gazed through his Sword of Omens and sent the Thundercats call beaming into the sky. The only thing I know about sailing is “tacking”, which I learned when Vinny and I almost got lost at sea in Jamaica. However, those are just insignificant details. Everything I need to know, I’m sure I can learn at the University of YouTube.
Not sure if this will come to fruition, but I must say I’m very excited about the endeavor. Cpt. Sam is the kind of guy that makes things happen, so I’m eager to see how this will turn out.

Here is our potential vessel, USS Hans & Franz:

1980 HANS CHRISTIAN 38 MK ll

uss-hans-franz.jpg

Of course, this was the first thing that gathered round my head: “If you’ve got yourself a dream: work hard, believe in yourself, because I know dreams…can come true.”

Hopefully there will be more to follow on this, but for right now I have to go chop fire wood.

Sing a song of hope,

CRAP-MAN

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How low can they go?

“The dollar has plunged in recent days as the collapse of Bear Stearns and the Fed’s discount-rate cut contributed further to its continuing slump. In trading on Monday March 17th the greenback fell to ¥95.76, its lowest point since August 1995, while also touching its lowest level against the euro since trading began in 1999. Although the dollar rallied on Tuesday, markets now await the Federal Reserve’s interest-rate decision later in the day. Futures markets are anticipating a cut of up to one percentage point, but there are fears this would cause further flight from the beleaguered currency, perhaps into gold.”

The Economist print edition

And how fitting it is that it was J.P. Morgan who bought up Bear Stearns. Good to see you’re keepin’ it real you old purple nose bastard you. “Buying up companies at pennies on the dollar”… or at 2$ a share.

This could be depressing for all those poor bastards getting paid in stock options. Where can we turn to lighten the mood. How ’bout our boy president? We can always depend on him for a good laugh while Rome burns. He can’t play a violin, but he’s got jokes:

I was in Iraq when Bush made this ostentatious rib-tickler. Isn’t it grand how amusing all those exorbitantly rich people can find the problems that affront the riffraff. I’m sure SPC Joseph Norquist (Iraq) and 1SG Christopher Rafferty (Afg.) were also rolling in their graves with laughter; along with everyone else on these lists:

CNN Casualty Index for Afghanistan

CNN Casualty Index for Iraq

As if that wasn’t enough CRAP from me for one day, here is something on the brighter side of CRAP. I used to be a military man, dedicated to defending the values that made our nation great, such as: liberty, consumerism and free porn. But instead I was used as a strong arm to pad the already fat pockets of a rich elite. Now I’m just a soldier of Love.

Battle in the end,

CRAP-MAN

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