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Got Testosterone?

I love my life. I went climbing all weekend in the fresh Spring air. Had some really good conquests on some rather tough routes.

The guy I go climbing with is a Buddhist monk who studied for 2 years in Nepal, whilst living in a cave. He said he learned a lot, but didn’t feel it was necessary to live in a cave for two years. I’ll take his word for it.

He’s a rather unique individual; especially rare amongst zhe Germans. He also happens to be my martial arts instructor, having trained in the art of Pekiti-Tersia Kali, Zen meditation and QiGong for over 25 years. It’s a sick coupling of Zen tranquility and the ability to tear your still beating heart out and show it to you. Now that I think of it, he kinda looks like the KALIMA guy from “Temple of Doom”:

Qigong Lehrer und Ausbilder Helmut Bauer

Anyway, I have been training on and off with him since 2003. Kali was a rather unknown MMA style but has gained some recent notice after its use in “Hunted“, with Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro. Then by the leading movie-bad-ass: Jason Borne. It was even recently spotlighted on the Discovery Channel.

So what is the point of today’s CB-Blog? Well, besides building a point-of-reference for any of my daughter’s future wanna-be boyfriends, it serves as a great lead-in to this incredible CRAP song. Enjoy your Monday:

Finish him,


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Bim Bum Spring has Sprung

At the end of Autumn, while playing in our favorite park – aptly appointed Bim Bum Park because of the church bells that ring, “bim bum” – my lovely little daughter handed me an acorn and said, “For you Papa.”

See it? There in her right hand. She’ holding it like her Daddy holds a curve ball.



I thanked her and put it in my pocket. I found it a few days later and decided to bury it in a small flower pot I had.

Today, Easter morning 2008, five months later, I walked into my living room to find our little acorn has burst through the soil and on to the scene.

See it? That little green sprout in the middle.


Tank you Easter Bunny.

I was very excited about this, and after doing the Balki Bartokomous dance of joy, I decided to ring in the spring with a Tears for Fears dedication week.

DJ’s the man we love the most,


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Live and Living

Captain Sam has notified me of his plans to sail across the Atlantic sometime within the next few years. This was a college dream of ours and he has gazed through his Sword of Omens and sent the Thundercats call beaming into the sky. The only thing I know about sailing is “tacking”, which I learned when Vinny and I almost got lost at sea in Jamaica. However, those are just insignificant details. Everything I need to know, I’m sure I can learn at the University of YouTube.
Not sure if this will come to fruition, but I must say I’m very excited about the endeavor. Cpt. Sam is the kind of guy that makes things happen, so I’m eager to see how this will turn out.

Here is our potential vessel, USS Hans & Franz:



Of course, this was the first thing that gathered round my head: “If you’ve got yourself a dream: work hard, believe in yourself, because I know dreams…can come true.”

Hopefully there will be more to follow on this, but for right now I have to go chop fire wood.

Sing a song of hope,


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How low can they go?

“The dollar has plunged in recent days as the collapse of Bear Stearns and the Fed’s discount-rate cut contributed further to its continuing slump. In trading on Monday March 17th the greenback fell to ¥95.76, its lowest point since August 1995, while also touching its lowest level against the euro since trading began in 1999. Although the dollar rallied on Tuesday, markets now await the Federal Reserve’s interest-rate decision later in the day. Futures markets are anticipating a cut of up to one percentage point, but there are fears this would cause further flight from the beleaguered currency, perhaps into gold.”

The Economist print edition

And how fitting it is that it was J.P. Morgan who bought up Bear Stearns. Good to see you’re keepin’ it real you old purple nose bastard you. “Buying up companies at pennies on the dollar”… or at 2$ a share.

This could be depressing for all those poor bastards getting paid in stock options. Where can we turn to lighten the mood. How ’bout our boy president? We can always depend on him for a good laugh while Rome burns. He can’t play a violin, but he’s got jokes:

I was in Iraq when Bush made this ostentatious rib-tickler. Isn’t it grand how amusing all those exorbitantly rich people can find the problems that affront the riffraff. I’m sure SPC Joseph Norquist (Iraq) and 1SG Christopher Rafferty (Afg.) were also rolling in their graves with laughter; along with everyone else on these lists:

CNN Casualty Index for Afghanistan

CNN Casualty Index for Iraq

As if that wasn’t enough CRAP from me for one day, here is something on the brighter side of CRAP. I used to be a military man, dedicated to defending the values that made our nation great, such as: liberty, consumerism and free porn. But instead I was used as a strong arm to pad the already fat pockets of a rich elite. Now I’m just a soldier of Love.

Battle in the end,


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Let’s take a trip…shall we?

This is a Journey…through your large intestine and past your rectum. Here’s a fun fact:

“Large Intestine and Rectum: The large intestine does not undergo much change with age. The rectum, however, enlarges and undergoes frequent inflammation. Constipation becomes more common. This may be due partly to a slight slowing in the movement of contents through the large intestine and a modest decrease in the contractions of the rectum when filled with stool.”

Who says there’s nothing to look forward to?

Here’s your Journey for today:

I don’t’ know where I’ll be tomorrow,

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To hail in this paradigm in CRAP broadcasting, I would like to flash back to the email that started it all:

“I have an external hard drive with over 90 GB of music on it that was compiled in Iraq from everyone on my FOB (Forward Operating Base). Needless to say, there is a whole lot of CRAP on there. Since I’m unemployed and have the time I’m going through over 40,000 songs and cleaning out the CRAP.
HOWEVER, since CRAP is in the brown-eye of the beholder, I thought from now on I would try to brighten up your days with CRAP music. It will usually be a song that brings a smile to my face for any given day. Enjoy!
Today’s selection goes out to Marco.”

That was over a year ago and now with the international sexplosion of the CockBass Productions world-wide website (, we have the opportunity to bring CB joy to the rest of our brethren starving for levity all over the globe. Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled basses YEARNING to breathe free! Technology being used for the good of all mankind; isn’t the future grand!

Hast du etwas Zeit für mich?


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18-1, aw shucks


Congratulations to the Big Blue; reigning champions of Super Bowl forty deuce! To be honest, I didn’t think they would pull it off, but that was one hell of a game. I’m sure Joe Joe Morales and Gambini are still in a state of perpetual orgasm in Arizona.

Today’s CRAP goes out to the 18-1 New England Patriots. Thanks for yet another monumental choke.

When the world never seems to be living up to your dreams,


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