Last night I had the strangest dream…

I sailed away to China, in a little rowboat to find you, and you said you had to get your laundry cleaned.  Didn’t want no one to hold you…WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!

CRAP-MAN

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Worthless sac of CRAP

Today’s CRAP goes out to my butt hackin’ brother Gamboozalini.  Seems they’re taking out his appendix.
After I heard this I was like, “What would you say…you do here, appendix?”

Apparently nothing:

1 . Anatomy a tube-shaped sac attached to and opening into the lower end of the large intestine in humans and some other mammals.
In humans the appendix is small and has no known function, but in rabbits, hares, and some other herbivores it is involved in the digestion of cellulose.

So, no sweat my man.  It’ll leave more room for sleeves of Chips Ahoy!

To help your recovery, I’m gonna buy you a Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED TV

$40Gs may seem a bit steep, but the comments have convinced me it’s well worth it. One stark advocate wrote that if you watch Chuck Norris on this TV, it could cure cancer and get your pit-bull pregnant simultaneously.  Vivian Banks was also quite persuasive.

Get well soon so we can ring in 2014 together.

Smell you later,

CRAP-MAN

CRAP-MAN Fun Fact: DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince’s “He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper” (1988) was the first cassette I ever owned; bought for me by Heather Doc. It is now in the possession of Baby Rishard – received as his payment for helping Yoey and I move and sort through all my CRAP before shipping to Germany.

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Missing CRAP

Woke up this fine morn, and my breath smelt/tasted like a geriatric fart passed through an onion. It sparked a eureka moment: CRAP!

I know it’s been a little over a year since our last CRAP inspiration – celebrated by the rousing theme song from Superman, but I’d like to see if I can try to kick-start this love affair again.

In the spirit of re-birth, I send today’s CRAP out to the Blair Bear, who’s got a little cub on the way this month.

Back in 2006, the heydays of CRAP, Mr. Bear voted this, “The worst CRAP of all time.” Well, I’ve decided to step it up for ya, Phoebe!  I’m a glass-half-full kinda guy and I believe it could always be worse.

I find today’s CRAP quite apropos for all the CRAP fans out there who have felt neglected; secretly longing for some CRAP-MAN love that was once so prevalent in their lives. You remember? CRAP: so hot and steamy at its onset, yet destined to maybe just dry up and blow away in the wind. Where has the time gone…and what has happened to us?

Let’s try again, and after that sweet, sweet lovin’, late at night…yeah, you know, when it’s good for you babe and you’re feeling alright…will you just roll over…and turn out the light?

Learning to laugh again,

CRAP-MAN

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LOOK! It’s a turd, it’s a stain…NO! It’s CRAP-MAN!

Sunday morning, the quasi-family and I were eating breakfast and listening to German radio.  I was thinking about the good ol’ days of CRAP.  Then…out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, they played this CRAP. I got goose bumps.
So, I thought I would share:

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Where have you gone Tawny Kitaen?

I grew up with the belief that we should accomplish more than our fathers had in their lives.

My father was a leading architect with Turner and went on to start his own construction company. He designed and built skyscrapers in Manhattan and multi-million dollar complexes all over New York and New Jersey. After a day’s work he could take a step back, look at what he created and be filled with a sense of pride and self worth. The only time I can relate to this feeling is when I take an impressive dump.

I’ve accepted the fact that I will never be able to reach the same level of accomplishment or status as my dear old Dad. I feel as though I’m at least living the retirement that he never got a chance to enjoy. So, due to the fact that I have resigned myself to my fate, and the knowledge that this CRAP blog will probably be my only living legacy, I have decided to do something that he always wanted to do. My father always wanted a Jaguar XJ6, and during his relatively short life, he was too busy working and building shit to get around to it. So here’s to you Paps. Meet my Jag, Mandy:

She runs on LPG, so I will save lots of loot-cake on gas (which is HUGE over here). As long as nothing breaks, I should be in the clear. All I need now is Tawny.

This CRAP’s to you Dad! You always gave without taking. I miss you and wish you were still here…

Love always,

CRAP-MAN

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Just a bit outside

I L.O.V.E. LOVE this:

And a big FUCK YOU to you Mr. President. How does it feel, scum bag? Unfortunately, I’m quite sure you don’t care…

Not that I give a shit about our boy president. I tend to think he has about as much influence on decisions being made in the White House as his intellect would suggest. I’m sure the persuasion goes something like, “Hey G Dub, sign this and you’ll get an extra hour in the Whopper Hoppeeeeer!”

gws-motivation.jpg

They might as well be putting a bobble-head monkey behind the press podium. His prepared speeches are so repetitious and predictable that even I have started to get them memorized, yet this Yale graduate still can’t get’em right. Every time this guy gets up to say something, America cringes while he blindly gropes his way through another losing brawl with the English language.

Who’s worse, the president or the people who voted for him? YOU MAKE THE CALL:

“Thank you very much, Miss South Carolina.”    The way A.C. Slater maintained his composer is admirable.

I apologize…I know this whole George W. Bush spiel is kinda old, but I just can’t help myself. It’s so easy, and I just can’t believe the state of our Union at the moment.

“The leaders of the free world are just little boys throwing stones. They’re easy to ignore ’til they’re knockin’ on the door of your home….Seems we’re dropping the baton like the 60’s never happened”

– Elbow, “Leaders of the Free World” album

“This town needs an ENEMA!”

– Jack Nicholson as The Joker, Batman (1989)

I had this CRAP on cassette, but I think I gave it to baby Rishar along with my DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince tape. One of the best Movie Tuesday CRAPs ever. Also a Pelham Camp Wreak classic.

Go with a smile,

CRAP-MAN

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KLF

Take cover.

I’m gonna kick this HARD and you can catch it,

CRAP-MAN

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Opium anyone?

Watched a rather good piece last night called “Orwell Rolls in his Grave” about Medias’ oligarchic hegemony over information and stake-to-claim as the new “opiate of the masses”. I know many of my readers will not even read through this blog, let alone sit through the full documentary, so here is a brief clip:

The resonating point is that the internet is our last BASStion of free speech and information. Enjoy it while it last. I know many internet contributors that I was viewing two or three years ago have been mysteriously vaporized. Where have you gone Halifaxion?

Luckily CRAP-MAN is too insignificant and ridiculous to gain any attention from Big Brother…for now.

In our week’s theme of mind and soul repression, I give you this symbolic CRAP to bring you into your weekend of Final Four distractions and soma induced self-medication.

When explanations make no sense,

CRAP-MAN

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The day we reached the sky

I’m takin’ you back, with a special request from our man 50 grand, Rishar rishar. Enjoy the memories.

He’s a good holy man,

CRAP-MAN

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Freedom?

So I got an email yesterday from a friend in NYC telling me how there is some new “Spy-ware” out that blocks people from reading blogs while at work. Another friend of mine is already not allowed to view any type of video content while at work. When I worked for the MAN we had “WebSense” to keep us in check. One guy I know can’t even receive emails with swear words in them, which, I might add, is easily subverted by using a$$ or $hit or Oi812. Oh shit, now the secret is out and Big Brother can put an end to this deviance as well…

WTF!?!

Apparently, all these changes are being made under the false flag impression it increases worker productivity (probably), and of course it increases your “security”. It also helps that you are exposed to as little uncensored, or dissident, information as possible during 8 hours of your day.

I guess a three month interview process, a M.S. from a notable University and being over 30 years old is not enough piece of mind that you will put in a solid day’s work. You still haven’t reached that level of disciplined maturity. Well…now that I hear myself writing this…maybe they are right.

However, I will gladly remain a savage in this brave new world order.

“But I don’t want comfort… I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.”

– said by the Savage in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, Ch. 17

Anyway, to conclude this mindless dribble that is distracting you from your work, many a young man has liberally emancipated himself to today’s CRAP.

It’s the one good thing that I’ve got,

CRAP-MAN

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