DOUBLE THE BERRIES!!

I’ve already listened to this about 4 times, and it’s still cracking me up:

Holds on, holds on,

CRAP-MAN

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1994

Found the old year book the other day.  Man, what a trip.

Baby Rishard:
“I don’t know where’s we going, but we’re headed in the right direction.”
– Buckweat

Marco Stevie Come Inside:
“The Ewok ate it”
– Unknown

Mikey Fu:
“I’ve had my FUN. I think it’s time to wake up and actually accomplish something.”
– Mikey Fu

Bone:
“No News is Good Ganooz without Gary Ganooz.”
– Gary Ganooz

Corrance:
“Are you Experienced?”
– Jimi Hendrix

Killa:
“Music Sweet Music I wish to caress. Manic depression a frustrating mess.”
– Jimi Hendrix

So Fresh So Clean:
“Oh the fun to have – to live the dreams we’ve always had.”
-Zeppelin “Achilles Last Stand”

Mayday:
“They can’t catch us…we’re on a mission from God.”
– Jack and Elwood Blues

Phoebe:
“Sometimes we live in no particular way but our own.”
– Grateful Dead

Stick that Knocks the Nuts off Trees:
“It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it!”
– Jack and Elwood Blues

Maura:
“Unerstand that happiness is not based on possession Power or Prestige but on relationships with people you love and respect.”
– H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Weasel:
“Why is a mouse when it spins?”
– Unknown

EP:
“The only important thing in life is to see to it you are not beaten.”
– Unknown

Joe Joe Morales:
“Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away? Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name…”
– Cheers Theme

Slandwiches:
“That’s the news and I’m out of here.”
– Denis Miller

Gamboozal:
“And if you feel that you can’t go on. And your will’s sinkin’ low
Just believe and you can’t go wrong. In the light you will find the road. You will find the road.”
– Zeppelin “In the Light”

Zeus:
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”
– Bluto Blutarsky

Some will win, some will lose…some were born to sing the blues,

CRAP-MAN

The Backlit Afro

What ever happen to the days of the backlit afro? When it was cool to surround yourself in a luminescent halo of perm?

De Blasio recently rode his son’s afro into the NYC Mayor’s Office, but I have yet to see a backlit-afro-fade-in used to its full crowd-illating magnificence. Opportunity lost, if you ask me.

Well, we can’t say the same about Lionel “The Lion” Richie. He obviously knew how to use this effect to its utmost potential.

This beautiful practice has gone the way of the Bouffant; crushed and repressed by the rise of  Jheri Curl, which effectively trended the afro-toting community into letting their Soul Glow.

This CRAP goes out to Marco Stevie Come Inside. If lovin’ the Lord is wrong, he don’t wanna be right!

So fine, don’t you agree,

CRAP-MAN

Last night I had the strangest dream…

I sailed away to China, in a little rowboat to find you, and you said you had to get your laundry cleaned.  Didn’t want no one to hold you…WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!

CRAP-MAN

Getting rid of worthless CRAP sac

Today’s CRAP goes out to my butt hackin’ brother Gamboozalini.  Seems they’re taking out his appendix.
After I heard this I was like, “WTF does the appendix even do?”  Apparently nothing:

1 . Anatomy a tube-shaped sac attached to and opening into the lower end of the large intestine in humans and some other mammals.
In humans the appendix is small and has no known function, but in rabbits, hares, and some other herbivores it is involved in the digestion of cellulose.

So, no sweat my man.  It’ll leave more room for a few more sleeves of Chips Ahoy!

To help your recovery, I’m gonna buy you a Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED TV

I’ve read that if you watch Chuck Norris on this TV it can cure you of cancer and get your pit-bull pregnant at the same time.  Another stark advocate was Vivian Banks (see p.2).

CRAP-MAN Fun Fact: DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince and MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” were bought for me by Heather D. in elemetary school and were the first cassettes I ever owned. It is now in the possesion of Baby Rishard; received as his payment for helping Yoey and I sort through all my CRAP before shipping to Germany.

Get well soon so we can ring in 2014 together.

Smell you later,

CRAP-MAN

Where has the time gone?

Woke up this fine morn, and my breath smelt/tasted like a geriatric fart passed through an onion. It sparked a revelation, making me think of CRAP.  I know it’s been a little over a year since my last CRAP inspiration, marked by the rousing theme song from Superman, but I’d like to see if I can try to kick-start this puppy again.

In the spirit of re-birth, I send today’s CRAP out to the Blair Bear, who’s got a little cub on the way this month.  Maybe even a little, fuzzy baby Jesus.

Back in 2006, the heydays of CRAP, Mr. Bear voted this, “The worst CRAP of all time.” Well, I’ve decided to step it up for ya BB.

I find this CRAP quite apropos for all the CRAP fans out there who have felt neglected; secretly longing for the CRAP-MAN love that was once so prevalent and strong in their lives.

Here’s to the hope, that after the sweet, sweet lovin’ late at night…yeah, you know, when it’s good for you babe and you’re feeling alright…don’t just roll over and turn out the light:

And then there’s this…

Learning to laugh again,

CRAP-MAN

LOOK! It’s a turd, it’s a stain…NO! It’s CRAP-MAN!

Sunday morning, the quasi-family and I were eating breakfast and listening to German radio.  I was thinking about the good ol’ days of CRAP.  Then…out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, they played this.  It was like a revelation, an epiphany, and bowel movement all at the same time!
So, I thought I would share: